To the Bus That Hit Me Last Night..

When I could've wished for anything, I wished for you. And I wished for us. And I wished to walk through this life with you by my side for the rest of my time. 

When I dreamed, I dreamed of our life together. In a house, with our daughter chasing Bubby in circles around the yard, country music playing in the background, coals smoldering, wine in my hand, beer in yours. 

Last night all that shattered beneath me. Last night something hit me like a bus. Last night I realized, that asking for you to innate certain qualities, is asking for you to change, when youre not willing to. And I realized that's not fair of me to do to you. 

So for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I drug this out. I'm sorry that I asked you to possess qualities you didn't want. I'm sorry I couldn't let you go sooner. And I'm sorry that I was just too much.. I needed too much, I asked for too much, I wanted too much love, I wanted to feel too much.

They say you're always going to be too much of something, for someone. And it turns out I was just too much of everything for you.

I hope you take the love I have for you, though. And I hope you hold it as tight as you can. Because I can promise you, nobody will love you the way I do. The way I always will. It hurts that I cant make this work. It kills me. But I'm doing you more damage fighting and trying to keep us together. 

I hope you find someone that keeps you happy. I hope you find whatever it is you need.

Heres to goodbye🍻

Over the last 21 years I've spent a lot of time and effort on people and relationships that I shouldn't have. All because I believe in second, and third, and seventh chances. I believe in the benefit of doubt. And I believe people can change. But recently, reality has set in, and I'm realizing, people don't change.. deep down in their heart they are who they are and that's that. Benefit of the doubt is great, but get ready to be disappointed. Second and third chances are understandable, but when do you finally say enough is enough? Well. I'm finally saying enough is enough. I'm realizing who I've got, who I don't, and who I never really had in the first place. It's sad thinking about the role I let all of this play on my emotions and my heart. I've spent a lot of time worrying about why I had never been good enough and why I was never wanted the way I felt I should've been.. and it might be a little late coming, but I'm done. I'm done fighting with myself looking for reasons to keep relationships alive. I'm done letting myself think I "need" people that never needed me. I'm done fighting to keep people in my life that would never fight to keep me in theirs. And that's all there is to it.. I just don't have anything left to give.
So here's to goodbye 🍻

A letter to my daughter💖

Growing up my dad has always been my best friend, my biggest fan, my guardian, and my guidance. I hope to be half the parent he's been to me all those years. So here's a list of things I've learned, and I hope to teach you too;

1. Nothing you do will ever make me love you any less. I love you more and more everyday and I promise nothing will ever take away from that.

2. Beauty is defined by the person you choose to be. Not your body or the way you dress.

3. When life pushes you to your breaking point, you push back. Don't give up.

4. Girls are mean. Thats just the way it is, and always has been. But that doesn't mean you need to be one of those girls.

5. Being stubborn isn't a bad thing.. but know when to give in.

6. Your independence is the most important quality you'll ever possess. And don't let anyone take it away from you.

7. No matter how broke/sad/hurt you are today, tomorrow is still going to come. Don't give up.

8. You're going to have your heart broken. Probably more than once. Learn from it. Grow from it. And keep moving forward.

9. You can do anything you put your mind to. Sounds cliche, I know. But I mean it.

10. Never be afraid of your feelings or emotions. You're human. And even more importantly, you're female. We have holes, and they leak. Crying isn't something to be ashamed of.

11. I'll be 100% open and honest with you. Not so you can follow in my footsteps, but so you can learn from my mistakes.

12. Speak your mind. Always. Thats the only way anyone is ever going to know what your thinking.

13. Don't be afraid of the word "no". Especially with boys.

14. A good mascara is worth the investment.

15. You're probably going to hate me at least once in your life, but know the door will always be wide open when you're ready to settle the dust.

16. When I tell you you can't do something, it's not because I want to be an asshole.. it's because I care and believe it or not.. I do know a thing or two.

17. I'll always be your best friend, but remember I'm also your mom.

18. Never be afraid to say you're sorry. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're strong enough to realize and admit when you're wrong.

19. Grammar. Learn it. And use it. "Nobody wurth ur tym lyks a gurl dat talks lyk diz".

20. The movies lie. Love is never easy. It's not a missing glass slipper, and a prince charming swooping in to save the day. It's hard work, communication, trust, and humor.

21. Don't ever be afraid to put up a fight. But remember to fight fair.

22. Music makes everything better.

23. Don't use make up to cover up your face. Less is more. I promise.

24. Go big or go home. Even if you fail, at least you can say you tried.

25. Travel.

26. Life isn't about how many followers you have on Twitter or instagram. Remember to put the phone down and enjoy life.

27. If it makes you uncomfortable don't do it, say it, or wear it.

28. No matter what I will always come when you call.

29. Challenge yourself.

30. Don't be afraid to try something new.

31. Bad haircuts happen.. they grow out. Eventually.

32. There's no such thing as perfect.

33. You can always come home.

34. You can't control what others think or say. Dont let it control you, Learn to let it go.

35. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

36. If you want something in life, don't bat your eyes and giggle until someone hands it to you, go out and work for it.

37. Hard work is the most rewarding, even if it doesn't feel like it right away.

38. Ice cream is good for the heart.

39. Don't be afraid to act silly.

40. You'll never change anything if you don't try.

41. Don't forget to take time to be alone.

42. If you can't find the way to say something, write it. Some times it's easier to sort through things that way.

43. Don't play dumb because you think it's cute. Boys don't like dumb girls, they're just easier to take advantage of.

44. Growing up isn't going to be easy, but I promise to make it as easy as I can for you.

45. It may not always feel like it, but I am on your side.

46. Dont ever try to hide or feel bad for what you feel. And dont ever feel like you owe anyone an explanation for it either. Youre allowed all the feelings in the world, for any and every reason at all.

47. Youre going to be weird and awkward.. Youre my kid and thats just the way it will be. So embrace it. Anyone that doesnt like it, doesnt deserve your presence.

48. Youre allowed to change your mind. And youre allowed to be indecisive. Thats in the beauty of being female.

49. Youre never too old to cuddle with mama.

50. Before you can ever love anyone else, you have to love yourself.

I've got a lot to learn about this parenting thing. And no part of me expects any of this to be easy. But I hope you know that no matter how hard it gets or how many obstacles we run into along the way, were in this together, and I will never give up on you, Jersey Rayne.

This uphill battle

We're only a few months into 2014, and already this year has brought forth more stress, hardship, and just overall constant uphill battles. I can't say how many times the thought of giving up has crossed my mind. I swear some days the only thing that has kept me going through all this is how strong he has been and knowing that I've got the most amazing little girl on the way. But I'm starting to see the strength in him wear thinner and thinner day by day. I've watched his positive thoughts and proactive mind set dim over the last month or so. I've watched him fade, and I feel like maybe I'm to blame for at least a portion of it. I'm not always the easiest to deal with, or the most supportive, I don't always know the right things to say, in fact most times I don't know what to say at all. And in this time all I've done is watch. Sit back and simply watch. What the hell is wrong with me? Any other normal, emotionally sane girlfriend would've... I can't even tell you what they would've done, but I'm sure it would've been more than I have been for him.. So its time to be better. Better for him. Better for our baby Jersey. And better for us. It's time to be more of my own strength, and even some of his too when he needs it. Time to start playing as a team instead of a single warrior constantly on her guard. And time to start letting him in on some of the things I let roam rampid through my head everyday. I have a lot I need to work on to be what this family needs me to be. It's not going to be easy, but then again, I never expected any of this to be easy. It's taken me a long time, probably longer than it should have, to realize all of this and to let it honestly sink in, but this family is something I'll fight for til I have nothing left. Rob. Bubby. And now Jersey. Everything I want most in life. And I won't give up on any of it.

Funny how things change. Life changes. Desires change. Two years ago I would've never pictured my life where it is today. And today, I wouldn't change a damn thing.

Reader's discretion is advised..

I generally try to keep my profanity to a minimum in my blog posts.. but today is an exception. I have too much built up frustration to contain any vulgarities. So,  if you possess any of the following characteristics; oversensitivity, religious righteousness, the feeling of entitlement, or if you're just a little bitch, you should probably stop reading before you are offended by what I'm about to say.

First point of attack on the list; My job. Or jobs rather. I work two jobs, granted one is just 20 hours a week of office work, so I don't really know if I can consider it work, but I do anyway. On top of my two jobs, I'm pregnant. I don't get paid shit. I'm a broke ass bitch. Constantly. But I still go to work, I put in my best effort to have an upbeat attitude and put aside my personal issues while im there. Yeah, I fucking hate being there. Yeah, after 10-11 hours, my feet fucking hurt. And yeah, I deal with stuuuupid fucking people alllll god damn day, but guess what, being a dick hole to everyone around you does absolutely nothing for you. So if you're gonna come at me with a shifty attitude for no reason other than the fact that you're unhappy with being 60 fucking years old and still only being the hostess of a restaurant, making eight worthless dollars an hour, I'm gonna give you what you deserve and I'm gonna treat you the same fucking way. Then when you wanna whine and cry about how I disrespected you, I'm just going to throat jab you. Simple as that.
Number two; religion. I am not, in the slightest bit, religious. I dont give a dick what you believe in, God, Ala, fucking Santa Claus, I don't care. Im not one to judge based on such a simple principle, Until you relentlessly shove your beliefs down my throat and critisize me, my life, and my choices, using religion as a standing ground. Guess what bitch?! When you die, you're gonna go to the saaame fucking place I am. A coffin, and then straight into the damn ground. There's nothing else after this. Regardless of what choices you make now, regardless of if you murder thirty people, or you end world hunger, were all getting the same treatment after this life. There's no special place. This is fucking it. So don't sit in front of me and tell me that because I'm pregnant, unmarried, living with the father of my baby, and tattooed, that I'm condemned to a lower place than you are.
Number three; personal opinions of my pregnancy. Yes, I'm twenty years old. Yes, im about to have a kid. Yes, I'm scared shitless. And yes, I still have a lot of "young years" left. But I couldn't be more proud of my baby girl. And I couldn't be more proud of the fact that I'm bringing something so amazing into this world. I'm so tired of hearing dead beats tell me about how I'm "missing out" on my "golden years".. missing out?! I'm contributing to creating another human being. I get to watch this little girl go from being 100% dependent on me, to whatever the hell she chooses to be. I get to be graced with the presence of a person that will love me endlessly and be happy to spend nothing more than time with me. I get to be a mommy. The years with my little girl are going to be my golden years. I'm not missing out on anything.. while you're out contributing to your own liver failure, participating in casual encounters with last night's drunken mistake, popping the morning after pill, and trying to piece together why your asshole hurts, I'll be watching a young women bloom into everything she dreams of being, resting my head at the end of everyday with my perfect man, and creating/supporting a life for the people that mean the entire world to me. I wouldn't fucking change a thing. So don't tell me I'm making a mistake. Don't tell me I'm missing out. Because honestly, I look at my life and the things coming up, and I cant picture a more perfect story. The way I see it, you're missing out.

Now that I've probably offended someone, I'm done, finally, and I feel much better. Heheh(:

I've found the fuel to my fire[;

Get your shit together bitch!
1.) Explore! New York and Boston at the least!
2.) Business license! Get your photography going!
3.) Fix your credit bitch.
4.) Spend new years night on the beach(:
5.) Keep things exciting with Rob♥
6.) Self defense/mma/kick boxing class! Something! Just stop being so scared.
7.) School, school, school!
8.) Learn to be happy with yourself.
9.) Start painting again! Sell your art!
10.) Learn to tattoo!

Be everything you've ever wanted to be. You're dreams are big, but they'll never be too big. Don't be afraid to stand alone, and chase after everything you believe in. Stop looking for reasons to be unhappy, you have everything you need here now, love it, appreciate it, hold onto it. Everything is Okay(:

Lately I've lost a big part of everything I've ever stood for. Since I was a little girl, I promised myself I would never let my past haunt me, I would never let it cripple me. I would only let it be the fuel to my fire. But recently I've been depressed, and scared, and just not me.. all for reasons that are completely out of my control. I lost my sight and my back bone. And as disheartening as it is, some times it takes somebody, sitting in front of you, being brutally honest, pointing out to you every mistake you're making, to wake you up and light that fire again. Some times you just need a reminder that everything isn't as horrible as you're making it, that your stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that everything is quite alright(:

Some things just aren't in the cards for us..

I never had the chance to experience your "American Dream family", with a mom and a dad that were gonna be happily ever after. My mom abandoned me when I was six. She left me and my brother in a motel room in downtown Carson City. Prior to her Houdini act, I didn't exactly have a golden childhood. My memories are full of drugs, abuse, and lies. I'll spare you the sob story and gruesome details because that's not the point of this blog. The point to this is that for the last year or so she has sent countless messages and texts apologizing and asking for forgiveness.. And I've been torn. I'm too stubborn to just let her back in, too stubborn to attempt to fix the broken relationship we've always had. My experience has always been that people don't change. We are the way we are, while we change our desires and directions, our morals and heart will always remain the same. But then I find pictures of times before I can remember and she looks so happy. Our family looks so happy. And that makes me think that maybe I'm making the wrong decision in being so stubborn and shutting her out. Maybe that happy loving person is who she still is, she just lost her senses for a little while..
I constantly think about how much easier growing up would've been with a mom there to talk to. I mean don't get me wrong, my dad was nothing short of amazing. He filled the mom and dad role better than I could've ever imagined. Especially raising a girl. He killed it. But growing up there are just some things that dads  don't understand, I could talk to him about anything and everything, always, but that didn't mean that he really understood what I was going through or where I was coming from. He always did a damn good job at trying to understand though. Ask me to brag about my dad and I could go on endlessly, that's not the object of this though. The object is that, I, for the first time in my life have the option to repair things with my mom, and I continuously shut her down. I can't count the times that I've wished I could share this moment with my mom. Or the times I've heard people bitch about how much their mom is bugging them, and I wish I could bitch about the same thing. But I never got the chance. And part of me feels so selfish for always pushing her away, because she's trying, there's so many people out there that have lost their mom or dad and they don't even have the option that I'm being given. I can't bring myself to be a strong enough person, accept the fact that whats done is done, nothing can be done to take any of it back, but we have now, now to fix things and rebuild.
But there's still so much from my childhood that haunts me. Every god damn day. I have nightmares, daily fears, so much that I don't tell anyone because no one would understand, from the outsiders perspective, I'm just being a little bitch. Nobody gets the things that go through my head, and maybe it has nothing to do with my childhood, maybe I was just born to be fucked up in the brain, I'm off topic again, these are just some of the things that go through my head on a daily basis though. This, among sooo many other things that I don't think I could ever verbalize. There's so much of me that feels broken, damaged, and just not repairable. Like its too late to fix any of this. I just don't know how to be better. I don't know how to let it all go. I don't know how to get passed any of what has happened to me. I can't even figured out how to talk to anybody about any of the shit that's in my head, haunting me. I just write about how fucked up I feel, and how I can't find the words to talk about any of it. Doesn't ever get me anywhere though. Its only a temporary fix, until it all creeps back up on me.