Over the last 21 years I've spent a lot of time and effort on people and relationships that I shouldn't have. All because I believe in second, and third, and seventh chances. I believe in the benefit of doubt. And I believe people can change. But recently, reality has set in, and I'm realizing, people don't change.. deep down in their heart they are who they are and that's that. Benefit of the doubt is great, but get ready to be disappointed. Second and third chances are understandable, but when do you finally say enough is enough? Well. I'm finally saying enough is enough. I'm realizing who I've got, who I don't, and who I never really had in the first place. It's sad thinking about the role I let all of this play on my emotions and my heart. I've spent a lot of time worrying about why I had never been good enough and why I was never wanted the way I felt I should've been.. and it might be a little late coming, but I'm done. I'm done fighting with myself looking for reasons to keep relationships alive. I'm done letting myself think I "need" people that never needed me. I'm done fighting to keep people in my life that would never fight to keep me in theirs. And that's all there is to it.. I just don't have anything left to give.
So here's to goodbye 🍻
Monday, March 31, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
A letter to my daughter💖
Growing up my dad has always been my best friend, my biggest fan, my guardian, and my guidance. I hope to be half the parent he's been to me all those years. So here's a list of things I've learned, and I hope to teach you too;
1. Nothing you do will ever make me love you any less. I love you more and more everyday and I promise nothing will ever take away from that.
2. Beauty is defined by the person you choose to be. Not your body or the way you dress.
3. When life pushes you to your breaking point, you push back. Don't give up.
4. Girls are mean. Thats just the way it is, and always has been. But that doesn't mean you need to be one of those girls.
5. Being stubborn isn't a bad thing.. but know when to give in.
6. Your independence is the most important quality you'll ever possess. And don't let anyone take it away from you.
7. No matter how broke/sad/hurt you are today, tomorrow is still going to come. Don't give up.
8. You're going to have your heart broken. Probably more than once. Learn from it. Grow from it. And keep moving forward.
9. You can do anything you put your mind to. Sounds cliche, I know. But I mean it.
10. Never be afraid of your feelings or emotions. You're human. And even more importantly, you're female. We have holes, and they leak. Crying isn't something to be ashamed of.
11. I'll be 100% open and honest with you. Not so you can follow in my footsteps, but so you can learn from my mistakes.
12. Speak your mind. Always. Thats the only way anyone is ever going to know what your thinking.
13. Don't be afraid of the word "no". Especially with boys.
14. A good mascara is worth the investment.
15. You're probably going to hate me at least once in your life, but know the door will always be wide open when you're ready to settle the dust.
16. When I tell you you can't do something, it's not because I want to be an asshole.. it's because I care and believe it or not.. I do know a thing or two.
17. I'll always be your best friend, but remember I'm also your mom.
18. Never be afraid to say you're sorry. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're strong enough to realize and admit when you're wrong.
19. Grammar. Learn it. And use it. "Nobody wurth ur tym lyks a gurl dat talks lyk diz".
20. The movies lie. Love is never easy. It's not a missing glass slipper, and a prince charming swooping in to save the day. It's hard work, communication, trust, and humor.
21. Don't ever be afraid to put up a fight. But remember to fight fair.
22. Music makes everything better.
23. Don't use make up to cover up your face. Less is more. I promise.
24. Go big or go home. Even if you fail, at least you can say you tried.
25. Travel.
26. Life isn't about how many followers you have on Twitter or instagram. Remember to put the phone down and enjoy life.
27. If it makes you uncomfortable don't do it, say it, or wear it.
28. No matter what I will always come when you call.
29. Challenge yourself.
30. Don't be afraid to try something new.
31. Bad haircuts happen.. they grow out. Eventually.
32. There's no such thing as perfect.
33. You can always come home.
34. You can't control what others think or say. Dont let it control you, Learn to let it go.
35. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
36. If you want something in life, don't bat your eyes and giggle until someone hands it to you, go out and work for it.
37. Hard work is the most rewarding, even if it doesn't feel like it right away.
38. Ice cream is good for the heart.
39. Don't be afraid to act silly.
40. You'll never change anything if you don't try.
41. Don't forget to take time to be alone.
42. If you can't find the way to say something, write it. Some times it's easier to sort through things that way.
43. Don't play dumb because you think it's cute. Boys don't like dumb girls, they're just easier to take advantage of.
44. Growing up isn't going to be easy, but I promise to make it as easy as I can for you.
45. It may not always feel like it, but I am on your side.
46. Dont ever try to hide or feel bad for what you feel. And dont ever feel like you owe anyone an explanation for it either. Youre allowed all the feelings in the world, for any and every reason at all.
47. Youre going to be weird and awkward.. Youre my kid and thats just the way it will be. So embrace it. Anyone that doesnt like it, doesnt deserve your presence.
48. Youre allowed to change your mind. And youre allowed to be indecisive. Thats in the beauty of being female.
49. Youre never too old to cuddle with mama.
50. Before you can ever love anyone else, you have to love yourself.
I've got a lot to learn about this parenting thing. And no part of me expects any of this to be easy. But I hope you know that no matter how hard it gets or how many obstacles we run into along the way, were in this together, and I will never give up on you, Jersey Rayne.
1. Nothing you do will ever make me love you any less. I love you more and more everyday and I promise nothing will ever take away from that.
2. Beauty is defined by the person you choose to be. Not your body or the way you dress.
3. When life pushes you to your breaking point, you push back. Don't give up.
4. Girls are mean. Thats just the way it is, and always has been. But that doesn't mean you need to be one of those girls.
5. Being stubborn isn't a bad thing.. but know when to give in.
6. Your independence is the most important quality you'll ever possess. And don't let anyone take it away from you.
7. No matter how broke/sad/hurt you are today, tomorrow is still going to come. Don't give up.
8. You're going to have your heart broken. Probably more than once. Learn from it. Grow from it. And keep moving forward.
9. You can do anything you put your mind to. Sounds cliche, I know. But I mean it.
10. Never be afraid of your feelings or emotions. You're human. And even more importantly, you're female. We have holes, and they leak. Crying isn't something to be ashamed of.
11. I'll be 100% open and honest with you. Not so you can follow in my footsteps, but so you can learn from my mistakes.
12. Speak your mind. Always. Thats the only way anyone is ever going to know what your thinking.
13. Don't be afraid of the word "no". Especially with boys.
14. A good mascara is worth the investment.
15. You're probably going to hate me at least once in your life, but know the door will always be wide open when you're ready to settle the dust.
16. When I tell you you can't do something, it's not because I want to be an asshole.. it's because I care and believe it or not.. I do know a thing or two.
17. I'll always be your best friend, but remember I'm also your mom.
18. Never be afraid to say you're sorry. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're strong enough to realize and admit when you're wrong.
19. Grammar. Learn it. And use it. "Nobody wurth ur tym lyks a gurl dat talks lyk diz".
20. The movies lie. Love is never easy. It's not a missing glass slipper, and a prince charming swooping in to save the day. It's hard work, communication, trust, and humor.
21. Don't ever be afraid to put up a fight. But remember to fight fair.
22. Music makes everything better.
23. Don't use make up to cover up your face. Less is more. I promise.
24. Go big or go home. Even if you fail, at least you can say you tried.
25. Travel.
26. Life isn't about how many followers you have on Twitter or instagram. Remember to put the phone down and enjoy life.
27. If it makes you uncomfortable don't do it, say it, or wear it.
28. No matter what I will always come when you call.
29. Challenge yourself.
30. Don't be afraid to try something new.
31. Bad haircuts happen.. they grow out. Eventually.
32. There's no such thing as perfect.
33. You can always come home.
34. You can't control what others think or say. Dont let it control you, Learn to let it go.
35. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
36. If you want something in life, don't bat your eyes and giggle until someone hands it to you, go out and work for it.
37. Hard work is the most rewarding, even if it doesn't feel like it right away.
38. Ice cream is good for the heart.
39. Don't be afraid to act silly.
40. You'll never change anything if you don't try.
41. Don't forget to take time to be alone.
42. If you can't find the way to say something, write it. Some times it's easier to sort through things that way.
43. Don't play dumb because you think it's cute. Boys don't like dumb girls, they're just easier to take advantage of.
44. Growing up isn't going to be easy, but I promise to make it as easy as I can for you.
45. It may not always feel like it, but I am on your side.
46. Dont ever try to hide or feel bad for what you feel. And dont ever feel like you owe anyone an explanation for it either. Youre allowed all the feelings in the world, for any and every reason at all.
47. Youre going to be weird and awkward.. Youre my kid and thats just the way it will be. So embrace it. Anyone that doesnt like it, doesnt deserve your presence.
48. Youre allowed to change your mind. And youre allowed to be indecisive. Thats in the beauty of being female.
49. Youre never too old to cuddle with mama.
50. Before you can ever love anyone else, you have to love yourself.
I've got a lot to learn about this parenting thing. And no part of me expects any of this to be easy. But I hope you know that no matter how hard it gets or how many obstacles we run into along the way, were in this together, and I will never give up on you, Jersey Rayne.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
This uphill battle
We're only a few months into 2014, and already this year has brought forth more stress, hardship, and just overall constant uphill battles. I can't say how many times the thought of giving up has crossed my mind. I swear some days the only thing that has kept me going through all this is how strong he has been and knowing that I've got the most amazing little girl on the way. But I'm starting to see the strength in him wear thinner and thinner day by day. I've watched his positive thoughts and proactive mind set dim over the last month or so. I've watched him fade, and I feel like maybe I'm to blame for at least a portion of it. I'm not always the easiest to deal with, or the most supportive, I don't always know the right things to say, in fact most times I don't know what to say at all. And in this time all I've done is watch. Sit back and simply watch. What the hell is wrong with me? Any other normal, emotionally sane girlfriend would've... I can't even tell you what they would've done, but I'm sure it would've been more than I have been for him.. So its time to be better. Better for him. Better for our baby Jersey. And better for us. It's time to be more of my own strength, and even some of his too when he needs it. Time to start playing as a team instead of a single warrior constantly on her guard. And time to start letting him in on some of the things I let roam rampid through my head everyday. I have a lot I need to work on to be what this family needs me to be. It's not going to be easy, but then again, I never expected any of this to be easy. It's taken me a long time, probably longer than it should have, to realize all of this and to let it honestly sink in, but this family is something I'll fight for til I have nothing left. Rob. Bubby. And now Jersey. Everything I want most in life. And I won't give up on any of it.
Funny how things change. Life changes. Desires change. Two years ago I would've never pictured my life where it is today. And today, I wouldn't change a damn thing.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Reader's discretion is advised..
I generally try to keep my profanity to a minimum in my blog posts.. but today is an exception. I have too much built up frustration to contain any vulgarities. So, if you possess any of the following characteristics; oversensitivity, religious righteousness, the feeling of entitlement, or if you're just a little bitch, you should probably stop reading before you are offended by what I'm about to say.
First point of attack on the list; My job. Or jobs rather. I work two jobs, granted one is just 20 hours a week of office work, so I don't really know if I can consider it work, but I do anyway. On top of my two jobs, I'm pregnant. I don't get paid shit. I'm a broke ass bitch. Constantly. But I still go to work, I put in my best effort to have an upbeat attitude and put aside my personal issues while im there. Yeah, I fucking hate being there. Yeah, after 10-11 hours, my feet fucking hurt. And yeah, I deal with stuuuupid fucking people alllll god damn day, but guess what, being a dick hole to everyone around you does absolutely nothing for you. So if you're gonna come at me with a shifty attitude for no reason other than the fact that you're unhappy with being 60 fucking years old and still only being the hostess of a restaurant, making eight worthless dollars an hour, I'm gonna give you what you deserve and I'm gonna treat you the same fucking way. Then when you wanna whine and cry about how I disrespected you, I'm just going to throat jab you. Simple as that.
Number two; religion. I am not, in the slightest bit, religious. I dont give a dick what you believe in, God, Ala, fucking Santa Claus, I don't care. Im not one to judge based on such a simple principle, Until you relentlessly shove your beliefs down my throat and critisize me, my life, and my choices, using religion as a standing ground. Guess what bitch?! When you die, you're gonna go to the saaame fucking place I am. A coffin, and then straight into the damn ground. There's nothing else after this. Regardless of what choices you make now, regardless of if you murder thirty people, or you end world hunger, were all getting the same treatment after this life. There's no special place. This is fucking it. So don't sit in front of me and tell me that because I'm pregnant, unmarried, living with the father of my baby, and tattooed, that I'm condemned to a lower place than you are.
Number three; personal opinions of my pregnancy. Yes, I'm twenty years old. Yes, im about to have a kid. Yes, I'm scared shitless. And yes, I still have a lot of "young years" left. But I couldn't be more proud of my baby girl. And I couldn't be more proud of the fact that I'm bringing something so amazing into this world. I'm so tired of hearing dead beats tell me about how I'm "missing out" on my "golden years".. missing out?! I'm contributing to creating another human being. I get to watch this little girl go from being 100% dependent on me, to whatever the hell she chooses to be. I get to be graced with the presence of a person that will love me endlessly and be happy to spend nothing more than time with me. I get to be a mommy. The years with my little girl are going to be my golden years. I'm not missing out on anything.. while you're out contributing to your own liver failure, participating in casual encounters with last night's drunken mistake, popping the morning after pill, and trying to piece together why your asshole hurts, I'll be watching a young women bloom into everything she dreams of being, resting my head at the end of everyday with my perfect man, and creating/supporting a life for the people that mean the entire world to me. I wouldn't fucking change a thing. So don't tell me I'm making a mistake. Don't tell me I'm missing out. Because honestly, I look at my life and the things coming up, and I cant picture a more perfect story. The way I see it, you're missing out.
Now that I've probably offended someone, I'm done, finally, and I feel much better. Heheh(:
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