Some things just aren't in the cards for us..

I never had the chance to experience your "American Dream family", with a mom and a dad that were gonna be happily ever after. My mom abandoned me when I was six. She left me and my brother in a motel room in downtown Carson City. Prior to her Houdini act, I didn't exactly have a golden childhood. My memories are full of drugs, abuse, and lies. I'll spare you the sob story and gruesome details because that's not the point of this blog. The point to this is that for the last year or so she has sent countless messages and texts apologizing and asking for forgiveness.. And I've been torn. I'm too stubborn to just let her back in, too stubborn to attempt to fix the broken relationship we've always had. My experience has always been that people don't change. We are the way we are, while we change our desires and directions, our morals and heart will always remain the same. But then I find pictures of times before I can remember and she looks so happy. Our family looks so happy. And that makes me think that maybe I'm making the wrong decision in being so stubborn and shutting her out. Maybe that happy loving person is who she still is, she just lost her senses for a little while..
I constantly think about how much easier growing up would've been with a mom there to talk to. I mean don't get me wrong, my dad was nothing short of amazing. He filled the mom and dad role better than I could've ever imagined. Especially raising a girl. He killed it. But growing up there are just some things that dads  don't understand, I could talk to him about anything and everything, always, but that didn't mean that he really understood what I was going through or where I was coming from. He always did a damn good job at trying to understand though. Ask me to brag about my dad and I could go on endlessly, that's not the object of this though. The object is that, I, for the first time in my life have the option to repair things with my mom, and I continuously shut her down. I can't count the times that I've wished I could share this moment with my mom. Or the times I've heard people bitch about how much their mom is bugging them, and I wish I could bitch about the same thing. But I never got the chance. And part of me feels so selfish for always pushing her away, because she's trying, there's so many people out there that have lost their mom or dad and they don't even have the option that I'm being given. I can't bring myself to be a strong enough person, accept the fact that whats done is done, nothing can be done to take any of it back, but we have now, now to fix things and rebuild.
But there's still so much from my childhood that haunts me. Every god damn day. I have nightmares, daily fears, so much that I don't tell anyone because no one would understand, from the outsiders perspective, I'm just being a little bitch. Nobody gets the things that go through my head, and maybe it has nothing to do with my childhood, maybe I was just born to be fucked up in the brain, I'm off topic again, these are just some of the things that go through my head on a daily basis though. This, among sooo many other things that I don't think I could ever verbalize. There's so much of me that feels broken, damaged, and just not repairable. Like its too late to fix any of this. I just don't know how to be better. I don't know how to let it all go. I don't know how to get passed any of what has happened to me. I can't even figured out how to talk to anybody about any of the shit that's in my head, haunting me. I just write about how fucked up I feel, and how I can't find the words to talk about any of it. Doesn't ever get me anywhere though. Its only a temporary fix, until it all creeps back up on me.