I've found the fuel to my fire[;

Get your shit together bitch!
1.) Explore! New York and Boston at the least!
2.) Business license! Get your photography going!
3.) Fix your credit bitch.
4.) Spend new years night on the beach(:
5.) Keep things exciting with Rob♥
6.) Self defense/mma/kick boxing class! Something! Just stop being so scared.
7.) School, school, school!
8.) Learn to be happy with yourself.
9.) Start painting again! Sell your art!
10.) Learn to tattoo!

Be everything you've ever wanted to be. You're dreams are big, but they'll never be too big. Don't be afraid to stand alone, and chase after everything you believe in. Stop looking for reasons to be unhappy, you have everything you need here now, love it, appreciate it, hold onto it. Everything is Okay(:

Lately I've lost a big part of everything I've ever stood for. Since I was a little girl, I promised myself I would never let my past haunt me, I would never let it cripple me. I would only let it be the fuel to my fire. But recently I've been depressed, and scared, and just not me.. all for reasons that are completely out of my control. I lost my sight and my back bone. And as disheartening as it is, some times it takes somebody, sitting in front of you, being brutally honest, pointing out to you every mistake you're making, to wake you up and light that fire again. Some times you just need a reminder that everything isn't as horrible as you're making it, that your stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that everything is quite alright(:

Some things just aren't in the cards for us..

I never had the chance to experience your "American Dream family", with a mom and a dad that were gonna be happily ever after. My mom abandoned me when I was six. She left me and my brother in a motel room in downtown Carson City. Prior to her Houdini act, I didn't exactly have a golden childhood. My memories are full of drugs, abuse, and lies. I'll spare you the sob story and gruesome details because that's not the point of this blog. The point to this is that for the last year or so she has sent countless messages and texts apologizing and asking for forgiveness.. And I've been torn. I'm too stubborn to just let her back in, too stubborn to attempt to fix the broken relationship we've always had. My experience has always been that people don't change. We are the way we are, while we change our desires and directions, our morals and heart will always remain the same. But then I find pictures of times before I can remember and she looks so happy. Our family looks so happy. And that makes me think that maybe I'm making the wrong decision in being so stubborn and shutting her out. Maybe that happy loving person is who she still is, she just lost her senses for a little while..
I constantly think about how much easier growing up would've been with a mom there to talk to. I mean don't get me wrong, my dad was nothing short of amazing. He filled the mom and dad role better than I could've ever imagined. Especially raising a girl. He killed it. But growing up there are just some things that dads  don't understand, I could talk to him about anything and everything, always, but that didn't mean that he really understood what I was going through or where I was coming from. He always did a damn good job at trying to understand though. Ask me to brag about my dad and I could go on endlessly, that's not the object of this though. The object is that, I, for the first time in my life have the option to repair things with my mom, and I continuously shut her down. I can't count the times that I've wished I could share this moment with my mom. Or the times I've heard people bitch about how much their mom is bugging them, and I wish I could bitch about the same thing. But I never got the chance. And part of me feels so selfish for always pushing her away, because she's trying, there's so many people out there that have lost their mom or dad and they don't even have the option that I'm being given. I can't bring myself to be a strong enough person, accept the fact that whats done is done, nothing can be done to take any of it back, but we have now, now to fix things and rebuild.
But there's still so much from my childhood that haunts me. Every god damn day. I have nightmares, daily fears, so much that I don't tell anyone because no one would understand, from the outsiders perspective, I'm just being a little bitch. Nobody gets the things that go through my head, and maybe it has nothing to do with my childhood, maybe I was just born to be fucked up in the brain, I'm off topic again, these are just some of the things that go through my head on a daily basis though. This, among sooo many other things that I don't think I could ever verbalize. There's so much of me that feels broken, damaged, and just not repairable. Like its too late to fix any of this. I just don't know how to be better. I don't know how to let it all go. I don't know how to get passed any of what has happened to me. I can't even figured out how to talk to anybody about any of the shit that's in my head, haunting me. I just write about how fucked up I feel, and how I can't find the words to talk about any of it. Doesn't ever get me anywhere though. Its only a temporary fix, until it all creeps back up on me.

Shaking hands with normality

I've never been your 'normal' girl with dreams and ambitions of being a wife, having a family, and building this so called American dream life.
When girls were talking about their dream weddings and names for their kids, I was imagining what city I wanted to live in next and what I would name my dog. Girls were making lists of what their dream husband would be like, while I was imagining a life on my own, with no regard for anyone else, just me, my dog, and our next journey. I always pictured myself dying alone, but never in an awful depressed way.. more of dying on my own I guess, in an independent sense that I'd come to terms with early in life, like I was just better that way. But someway, somehow, lately, all of that has changed. Not so much in a way that I'm planning all that girl stuff out, but more of in a way that if such things did happen, I'd be okay with it, I might even be able to picture it happening, where before I never could. Something inside me has settled.. I don't find myself feeling as restless. I don't find myself feeling the need to run away. And most of all, I don't find myself feeling the need to change anything..
Maybe it's a coming of age thing. Maybe it's just a matter of finding that person everyone always talks about, that 'one' person. Maybe it's the fact that my brothers three years younger than me, and he's got his life more figured out than I ever have. Or maybe it's just reality setting in finally. Who knows. But either way it's happening. I'm finally beginning to see a life in the mess I've been living the last twenty years. It's all just a little bit strange to me, but I kinda like it(:

Sleepless nights♥

Sometimes when I can't sleep, and theres a million and thirteen things running through my brain all at once, I just lay here, and listen to the steady pace of his breathing, and all of sudden a million and twelve of those things stop. Immediately, it's like nothing else matters but the fact that I'm here, and he's here. That fact that were back, that after all we've put ourselves and each other through, were back where we belong. We've managed to somehow make it through all the crazy, hurt, and all the other misunderstood bullshit.
Honestly, I never realized how much love and compassion I was capable of, until he left three weeks ago, and everything inside me collapsed entirely. I never believed there would be any single one person 'for' me. I always believed I was better alone. I mean of course I would have my flings, and things, but I always knew none of them were for me, I was better on my own. I never imagined being able to love a person as unconditionally as I love him. I don't even think I understood the word unconditional before this. There's never been anyone that has ever even tried to understand me the way he does. No one that gets my quirks the way he does. No one that knows as much of my past as he does and doesn't look at me any differently. And no one that has ever been able to make me feel as alive and as 'worth it' as he does. No one.
And I'm sure if you're reading this and you know anything about us, or our back and forth, you're probably thinking we're crazy, and maybe we are. Or atleast maybe I am. But as long as I can be crazy with him by my side, I'll take it. Because I know, I don't want anyone else. I'm young, and I'm dumb, and I've still got a long way to go, but I honestly believe with everything inside me, I'm not too young or too dumb to know this is what I want. For today, for tomorrow, and for all of my tomorrows. He's everything I need, everything I want, everything I could ever ask for.
I don't think he knows it yet, but I'm not going anywhere.. like ever. I couldn't even if I tried.

I wish more people could experience this kind of misunderstood, unconditional craziness. I wish more people could experience this kind of love.

This is all a little bit too much, a little but crazy, isn't it? Hahh. Probably. I've probably lost my marbles. But oddly enough, with where everything in my life is right this moment, I think I'd be 100% okay with losing every single one of my marbles I have left. As long as I can keep this feeling, this feeling I have right now, with his arm around my waist and his face buried into the back of my neck. let me keep this, and you can have anything else you want.

Lassen Sie die Kugeln um glücklich zu sein

I think boredom is something we create in our minds as an excuse when were unhappy with something else we've chosen. You don't just get bored with things. Unless it's a video game you've beat three times over. I think boredom is an excuse we use to avoid facing whatever it is inside of ourselves that scares us, or whatever it is that makes us unhappy.
And I think we have no one to blame for our boredom other than ourselves. And no one can fix it, other than ourselves.
You'll only ever be as happy as YOU allow yourself to think you deserve to be.
And I think a lot of us need to realize that happiness isn't something you find.. I believe happiness is something you create. You could be happy with everything if you allowed yourself to be.
It isn't about having the best things, or the biggest bank account. Happiness is about hating your job, but loving what you get to come home to. Happiness is about having the shittiest day, but going home and realizing when you lay down at night, there's no where else you could imagine being. Happiness is understanding that there are shitty parts of life, reallyyy shitty parts, but there's also reallyyy wonderful parts, and that those really wonderful parts could mean more, and outweigh the shitty parts if only we would allow it.
Boredom and happiness could be the two easiest controlled factors in this life, and yet we fail to realize it. Of course there are always going to be things that suck. And things that no matter how hard you try you just can't be happy with, but Thats when the smaller things in your life that you actually are happy with, should matter most to you. Thats when it should be easiest to enjoy those wonderful things.
So have the balls to face what scares you. Have the balls to face what makes you unhappy. Have the balls to work at changing it.

Have the balls to be happy.

This cookie cutter society

The thirst for drama that runs in the majority of the human race anymore is repulsive. The need to be the bitch at school with the hottest clothes is pathetic. The desire to have more money than the next person is disgusting. Our society has become so fueled on materialistic values and warped around highlighting other’s faults that nobody focuses on their own shortcomings. Nobody focuses on making themselves into the best They can be. Somewhere along the line it became Okay to meet the bare minimum requirements rather than try to succeed over what has been called for. Somewhere along the line it became Okay to criticize someone based on what brand of clothes They wear, how much They weigh, or what car They drive. Society bitches and complains about today’s youth, but I think if everyone took a second to reflect on where ‘today’s youth’ is getting their morals and guidance, they’d find that maybe the problem isn’t within the youth itself, it’s within the environment that has be created for the youth.

When's the last time you were lost?

The last couple days I have spent my time wandering the streets of San Luis looking for places to live. So I guess in a way I've kind of spent my time being lost.. No real destination, just wherever my feet took me is where I went. And honestly, I've never felt more inspired in my life. To just walk, with no destination, no burden of time, no restrictions, nothing, just me and my thoughts. Somehow, the chaos of the busy streets and sidewalk traffic makes everything inside my head slow down. Somehow it puts me at ease. Seeing all the variety this city has to offer is incredible. In two days of wandering the city I've witnessed acts of courage, appreciation, selflessness, pure and sheer innocence, scandal, I watched a man propose to his high school sweetheart. I watched a little girl running to meet the arms of her soldier daddy. I watched a 70 year old man pick a flower for his wife and kiss her on the cheek as he exclaimed his love for her. I watched a boy hit on a girl and turn around not even ten minutes later to lay the same lines on a different girl.. Hahah. I think we should all get lost more often. Whether it be in a new city or your home town, a mountain side or river bank, the ocean or just your local lake, take time for you. Put in your head phones and the fray Pandora channel or just take in the sounds of everything surrounding you. Don't keep track of how long you're gone or when you should go back. Don't think about where you're going, or where you've been. Just go. And while you're gone, take it all in, watch all the little details you wouldn't normally pay attention to. I guarantee you'll be amazed with how good being lost can feel.

Don't fear the reaper

When I was little my grandpa told my parents instead of buying us gifts every year for our birthdays, Christmas, and other 'gift giving' holidays he would just put money in a savings account for my brother and me for college. He said once we turned 18 he would turn over the account for us to have freedom of, trusting we would use it for school. Stupidly, all through high school I banked on this savings account my grandpa had always told us about.. and all through high school I kept in touch with him and filled him in on my ambitions and dreams. My love is in all thins art. So naturally, I wanted to go to art school.. But he found every excuse in existence why art school was an awful idea. Told me if I didn't find something else I wanted to do he wouldn't turn over the account.. I came back to him several weeks later with the idea of going to school for criminal justice and psychology, with the long term goal of being a criminal psychologist. Once again he found ever excuse why this as well was an awful idea. Told me it was dangerous, and I should look into dentistry... (by the way, that's what he does, he a dentist.) Mouths? Not my favorite thing in the world.. dealing with other peoples mouths?? I'm sorry, but that's like dealing with other peoples feet. No thanks. So needless to say I continued my search of what I could possibly want to for the rest of my life, that would live up to his standards and expectations. I'm now 20 and have yet to find something.. and today he found out that just I picked up and moved out of state. Well needless to say, he's incredibly "disappointed". Long story short, well kind of short, as I sat here panicking about what I was going to do about school, I realized that maybe all along this was exactly what I needed.. I have spent six years running at my wits ends trying to find someway that I could please him, and do something that wouldn't completely bore me the rest of my life. That was never going to happen.. we were never going to come to an agreement. I've spent six years trying to please someone, when all along I should've been trying to please myself. In the end I'm the one that has to wake up everyday and go to work. I'll be damned if I'm gonna go to school for four plus years just to wake up everyday and hate my life. I still at this point have absolutely no idea what I'll do with my life, but I can promise you it'll be something I love(:

I've got a terrible itch..

 I took time to lay out by the pool in hopes of maybe getting a little tan. My attempt was entirely unsuccessful. Unfortunately, I'm convinced it is physically impossible for me to ever get a tan.. I will forever be ghostly white. 
Siiggghhhh):

Anyway, the point I was getting at, was while  was laying out I started flipping through old pictures that I've taken. Started thinking about all the opportunities I've been lucky enough to encounter since I started. And just how much I've grown as a photographer. But its been entirely too long since I have taken the time to set up a shoot where I have complete and total artistic freedom. And now that I  living in a town where I know absolutely no one, I've lost the option to just call up someone or post an ad on facebook for a needed model. I have a plethora of ideas for shoots, creative, fun, original shoots and no one to use them with): And with all the different scenery around here, beaches, meadows, woods, anything you could possibly dream of as a photographer the possibilities are truly endless.

As simple of all this all may seem, these are the kind of things that make me miss home. My comfort zone. 

Sometimes you just need to stop and smell the roses

This last month has been beyond stressful. Between moving, living out of a hotel, and worrying about money, I've neglected to appreciate all the wonderful things in my life. I feel too often we focus so much on everything that's wrong in our lives, rather than being thankful for everything that's right. Today was the first time in months that I stopped, took a breath, and realized how many really great things have happened recently, and I've let every single one of them blow right by.

I guess all that I'm trying to say, is live, don't stress, breathe, don't let everything that's great in your life pass you by because a couple things are bad.
The glass is always half full(:

Let's see here..

I'm Mariah. Born and raised in the ever so dusty Nevada, recently relocated to beautiful, beach side San Luis Obispo, CA I love the beach life(:
Anyway, I'm twenty years young, and I've been a complete mess since day one. I like to blame it on the artist in me. (My creative functions just can't flow in an orderly environment.. hahah) Although I don't know how solid of a platform that is. I created this blog in need of an outlet. A way to process my thoughts, share my epiphanies, and just vent. Ever since I was a little girl I've wanted nothing more than to be able to make a difference in someones life. Through a painting I've done, a drawing I've created, a photo I've taken, or through words I've written/said, if I can get just one person to stop and think about an aspect of this life in a way they never have before, even if just for a split second, means I will have changed something or someone. And thats all I wish to do. There's a million and twenty-three things going through my head at any given moment, and sometimes the noise just gets overwhelming. So to all those who will follow this, welcome to the spastic life in which I call my own..